Mom insists her 23-year-old daughter, who has financially supported her for 5 years, send her and her 5 other adult children $1K per month: 'If my mom supported me financially growing up I would have, but she didn't'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Feb 27, 2025 8:00 PM EST

I've never understood when aging parents solely rely on their kids to support them through retirement financially. These parents often use the justification that their children owe them moola for all of the years they spent raising them or they just failed to plan to support themselves into retirement. Some adult children feel great pride in helping their parents in anything they want and need. I don't think that not wanting to finance 20-30 years of your parent's life means that you are not honoring them as your parents. It's a lot of stress supporting 3+ people, which doesn't even begin to factor in your partner, kids, or other family members you might be helping. I believe that aiming for autonomy, even in old age, is an admirable goal. Also, there's a big difference between sending money so your parents can stay in their house and eat and sending them money so they can go on elaborate vacations. 

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  • Supporting your parents when they can't work anymore is one thing. Supporting your parents when they are competent adults living with five other competent adults is beyond absurd. The 23-year-old in this story is expected to send her mom $1000 a month after supporting her and herself for the past 5 years. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10473476864
    via Myron Edwards

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for refusing to pay my mum an allowance $1k a month?

    I, F23, have just moved to another city for work and it pays really well for a new grad. It has been the subject of constant arguments during my 5 years of uni where my mum has expected that I pay and support her when I graduate.
    via u/LostnFound555
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    I lived away from home for 5 years while studying, rarely visiting on weekends and sometimes never at all as I worked a hospitality job to support myself and would constantly give money to my
    via u/LostnFound555
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    mum to help her and 5 siblings out even though I don't live there. This is because I promised | would if she escapes an ab ive husband who was really brutal to all of us.
    via u/LostnFound555
  • 05
    She doesn't want to work and she over spends what I used to send her. She buys designer clothing for my younger brother and so much junk food rather than just essentials. And she always asks for more. I put my foot down and say I won't help anymore especially when I graduate but I always end up being guilt tripped.
    via u/LostnFound555
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    Cheezburger Image 10473477632
    via Andrej Lišakov (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Now I have moved to another city, rent on my own, have finance on a car, have student loans and have to pay my own bills plus pay for my own travel to and attendance of professional development hours (at least 20 hrs a year) which cost tens of thousands in my profession. Plus I want to be able to afford a house, build my own family one day and have a good life.
    via u/LostnFound555
  • 08
    Mum just called asking for a $1000 allowance a month and it will only cost me around $30 a day, her words. I said to her my siblings, all 5 of them, can work to earn $30 a day and still earn more than that and I will not be paying. I explained my situation. and aspirations and said I did not
    via u/LostnFound555
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    birth her kids nor am I responsible for her. She has been making do for years and she should keep to the basics to make do. If I had money, it's my right to save it and keep it to myself so that I can build my own life because it won't be fair to give it to others.
    via u/LostnFound555
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    If my mum supported me financially growing up I would have but she didnt. I paid her more money during uni than she ever did.
    via u/LostnFound555
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    Cheezburger Image 10473478144
    via Matt Forfar

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    She is obviously upset and I think it's ridiculous that she expects an allowance like she has a right to it. So am I the a hole? TLDR: mum wants a 1k a month allowance and I don't think it's right
    via u/LostnFound555
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    edebby NTA. You got me at "She doesn't want to work and she over spends what I used to send her". A person who doesn't want to work, and never financed his graduated kid during her amazing struggle of leaving far from home and financing her studies and life on her own WHILE paying her lazy mom doesn't entitle to get anything, I'm sorry.
    via u/edebby
  • 14
    You've turned your life around, all by yourself, and reached a point where supporting your mom will drag you back as you progressed enough in life where you need to carefully plan your spending to meet all your finance requirements - a thing your mom apparently doesn't really understand at her old age.
    via u/edebby
  • 15
    Your mom should start acting like a mom, and be responsible for her kids, which means TAKINMG A FREWAKING JOB and stop mooching money from her eldest kid who moved on. Don't want to work - give me a break, sheesh.
    via u/edebby
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    LostnFound555 OP At first it was she couldn't work because she was with her abive husband who didn't let her but she was happy being a housewife and allowing us to get abused by him too. Then when I convinced her to leave, it was that culturally she isn't allowed to work and people will see her as brazen. Bro we live in Australia not the middle east. Then it was her mental health post abuse. I tried to get her
    via u/LostnFound555
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    enrolled in certificates to gain skills but she quit them for knee pain from an injury her ex caused or mental health. Now she has cancer and going through chemo and again can't work. It's sad and I sympathise but also she has 5 adult children living with her who can fund their own bills and I feel like I need to start living my life or I will fall far far behind.
    via u/LostnFound555
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    Longjumping_2390 5 adult children living with her? I was assuming they were still kids and that was part of why she wasn't working. With 5 of them there is absolutely no need for you to be financing her when you don't live there. Sounds like she got used to you sending her money and is talking advantage
    via u/Longjumping_2390
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    LostnFound555 OP Yeah I have an older sibling and 4 younger siblings who all have casual jobs while studying at uni while living at home. I had to live away from home, pay my rent and everything plus study plus travel for placements and such plus fund a car. They don't have any of those burdens so I'm dumbfounded why they can't make it work for themselves like I did...
    via u/LostnFound555
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    R4eth I'm sure they could. But, dear old mom has them all convinced you're the piggy bank, so why bother saving or doing adult things like paying bills? That's what's happening, I assure you. Or mom is also demanding they fork over whatever money they do have for her to spend on herself. Or it's both.
    via u/R4eth
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    Stock-Cell1556 People in Australia consider a working single mom to be brazen? It sounds like she's just making excuses.
    via u/Stock-Cell1556
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    LightPhotographer NTA. You have more siblings? Sounds like you're the one most susceptible to pressure and guilt-tripping. Set & guard your boundaries. This is how: Do not JANE (JADE): Justify / Apologize / Negotiate / Explain. (D = Defend). Example. When you spell out your finances with your car and all... you have already accepted that you're going to pay and you're just haggling over the amount. It does not lead to understanding and acceptance.
    via u/LightPhotographer
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    Your mother is not going to accept any of your points because doing so means giving up her claim to free money. She is also not interested in 'solutions' or 'suggestions' because she is not looking for ways to get money - she is looking for your money.
    via u/LightPhotographer
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    "dear mother I will not give you free money and that's the end of it. You want money, get a job. Don't want a job but you want free money? Don't we all, good day mother". Recognize when you start doing JANE. That is when the guilt-trip starts. Look up some YT about dealing with narcisists - not saying your mother is one! But the techniques will help you.
    via u/LightPhotographer
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    LostnFound555 OP Thanks so much. This helps a lot. Yes you're right I was negotiating a price with her and the $1k really hurt. But I will set definitive boundaries and not get guilt tripped
    via u/LostnFound555
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    Super Ground9690 Don't negotiate a price. Don't pay her anything. She chose to have 6 kids, not you. You have supported them way above and beyond already. Just stop. Draw a hard line and block all contact if she can't accept it.
    via u/Super_Ground9690
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    muppet_ofa No, you need to take care of yourself and if your siblings are of working age, they can start taking care of themselves, just like you did. The promise to help wasn't in perpetuity. It was until she got on her feet, she never tried to. Plenty of people have kids and work a job. Be prepared for this personality type to really put the guilt on you and then potentially utilize your siblings like bargaining chips. It's one thing to help, it's another to support them.
    via u/muppet_ofa
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    LostnFound555 OP That's exactly it. Thank you for articulating my thought. I was planning in my head to pay like $700 one off payments everytime they absolutely need it like I used to during uni or cover a bill or something but why did I do this all with no help but they won't rely on themselves? It's not fair. They're all in uni but the youngest in highschool. All adults and have casual jobs. But when she said $1k a month at least as an expectation though I told her in the past gently why I can
    via u/LostnFound555
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    muppet_ofa It's one thing to help family every once is a while, it's another to support them completely. It's not your role to be the parent here, it feels like you've taken on that role a bit. And they are all able bodied and can take care of themselves now. I'd probably start talking to a therapist to help sort out your relationships. We end up carrying these types of things around and it impacts us in ways we don't realize.
    via u/muppet_ofa

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